To begin, my mind isn't as sharp as it once was. I walk into rooms not remembering why I'm there. I think one word but say another. And I'm having many "double conversations" with people. It's usually not until I've completed my tale that I realize I've caused someone to endure another "rerun." Just not as quick thinking as I was BC (before cancer). Much of my nights and days have been taken captive by medically induced anxiety and hourly sweats. My doctor remains wonderfully empathetic, tirelessly trying to find the right meds that will simultaneously agree with my body and fight my particular breast cancer. I still have hope that we will discover the right drug. Still, at times, side effects overwhelm, nights are endless, sleep escapes. The more I experience side effects of treatment, the more I realize how impatient I have been, maybe not always outwardly, but in my thoughts and attitude. My life has changed.
Play word association with me for a moment. What words come to your mind when YOU hear the word change? You might say "difference," "status quo," or "growth." Change is scary, sometimes crippling. But there's one thing about change that will never, well, change. It's that change is inevitable. I asserted that my life has changed and alluded to my struggles. But despite the daily battles, change is the biggest agent that has brought a new perspective from my Father.
In the book of Job (and I would NEVER compare my plight to his), God brings him to the realization that he will never comprehend what God is doing through the changes He allowed in Job's life. Job finally relinquishes all his hurt and his questions to God's sovereignty. Job answers God: "I'm convinced - You can do anything and everything. Nothing and no one can upset Your plans. You asked, 'Who is this muddying the water, ignorantly confusing the issue, second-guessing My purposes?' I admit it. I was the one. I babbled on about things far beyond me, made small talk about wonders way over my head. You told me, 'Listen, and let Me do the talking. Let Me ask the questions. You give the answers.' I admit I once lived by rumors of You; now I have it all firsthand - from my own eyes and ears! I'm sorry-forgive me. I'll never do that again; I promise I'll never again live on crusts of hearsay, crumbs of rumor." (Job 42:1-6 MSG)
Here are some of the lessons I've learned about the change God allows:
- My thoughts are not His thoughts (Isaiah 55:8) What He has planned is by far greater that what I could ever plan for my life alone.
- His ways are higher than my ways - God's methods of teaching me, showing His goodness, are not what I would pick for myself. Who wants pain? Who asks for suffering? But those can be the change agents to produce character and endurance. (Romans 5:3-4)
- The last point (and I'm still working on this one) is that I should embrace change because it produces growth. If I'm growing, I'm alive. I think this lesson will take my lifetime to learn.
