They Desire A Better Place

     On July 12, 2011,  I made a check-up trip with Kevin to his oncologist for his semi-annual cancer scans. Back in 2008 when he was first diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma, I grew to be close friends with the "miracle workers" of the McKinney Regional Cancer Center (now renamed Texas Health Oncology Center). Throughout Kevin's treatment and recovery, he blogged. Now blogging isn't unfamiliar to me; as a school counselor I have encouraged my students to journal their thoughts, release their fears, take power in words. That's what Kevin began doing and I have to admit, I became an avid follower. And although I encouraged him to "write more so I can read," I had not been "practicing what I had been preaching." I had not taken time to record my thoughts, to admit my fears. So on that day, BlackBerry in hand, sitting alone in a crowded waiting room, I commenced to face my fears and nausea  head-on through the power of words in a little Memo Application. Here's what I wrote:

There's really no lonelier place for me than here in the cancer center. No matter how strong I think I am or how prepared I feel, emotions rush, learned fears overwhelm. I speak my anxiety to no one because I don't want pity. It's not ME who has cancer. When I ask God to take "me" out of the equation because I am not the focus, I realize - this should not be my request. In my "equation," much like an experiment, God is the constant. My situation is the variable. In my mind, I know that visible faith should be the outcome - but what is visible faith? Visible faith cannot be emotion-less, or else it would not involve humanity. Is visible faith the conquering of fear? Is it strength against the unknown news lurking to pounce in the not-so-distant future? Total surrender? None of these concepts equate with innate character. Who really embodies visible faith?

I cynically remember friends, acquaintances rather, who calmly advise, almost in a sing-song chant, "God is in control. Just have faith." Unwavering smiles, relaxed countenances. I return a fake smile. I yearn to angrily rant, "I KNOW He is in control. He wouldn't be GOD if HE weren't in control!" I think my "friends" aren't living in the gamut of human emotion they WILL face, not IF He chooses to allow disease or death, but WHEN He chooses to allow it. Is visible faith really found in the words, "God is in control?" "Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things NOT seen," Hebrews 11:1. How can I bring visibility to my little faith?

Faith is visible when I believe strongly enough that I do what is only in my wldest imagination, like Noah's building an ark before ever seeing or knowing of a raindrop. Visible faith could be going, not knowing. It could be believing in impossible odds. Maybe visible faith is freely giving up what I have come to treasure. For what? "For people who speak thus make it clear that they seek a homeland. If they had been thinking of this world, they could have easily returned to it. But they desire a better place, a heavenly one. God is not ashamed to be called their God and He has prepared a place for them," Hebrews 11:14-16.

What I feel here, in this place, in this cancer center, is the reverse of what my "home" will one day be. Completion instead of loneliness. Calm replacing anxiety. Sadness turned to joy. Light illuminating darkness. Reunion restored after separation. I imagine John's exhilaration while in exile on the island of Patmos, beholding the revelation of God. The sea stood as barrier keeping him from his home, his loved ones. But God showed John, "...and the sea was no more." Revelation 21:1.

On Monday, August 29, 2011, I received news that I am now a fellow cancer patient with my husband. Surprisingly, I don't feel as though I'm on the island. I don't feel the way I felt that day in the cancer center. I believe God was preparing my heart that day as I searched for a way to explain what I thought cancer looked like from the outside looking in. But as I stepped through that barrier on Monday, I didn't go alone. God stepped through with me. He has told me that I will begin a journey, but that He will walk beside me. And He assured me that He really IS in control (and not in a sing-song voice).  :) 
<p<ahref="http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_ photog.php?photogid=1256">Image: Evgeni Dinev / FreeDigitalPhotos.net</a></p>