The Generosity of God

God’s timing. Lately the perspective from the rearview mirror seems to keep getting wider or maybe it’s just that my outlook is changing. I know there are many “whys” I will not understand in this life. I know there are mistakes I have made and that there are encounters He has allowed. As I ponder all of this, I realize God is growing my faith and my gratefulness lately as He gives me glimpses of His mercy and generosity. His ways and thoughts so over shadow my small perspective. He is allowing me to see His goodness, His restoration after what I fittingly call “a time of locusts.” God is good and He proves His goodness to me time and time again in ways I don’t expect, in processes that I would have never chosen for myself.

Months ago I heard a sermon about the “Round-about Way of the Father.” The pastor stated something to this effect- The round-about way of God is when we find ourselves in a place where we don’t want to be and usually we’re in that place longer than we desire. It’s when we find ourselves in a desert thinking life has dried up. And sometimes it’s not so much that we’re in the desert, but that the desert is in us. And many times, we don’t know how long we’re gonna’ be in the desert, on that round-about way of God. We want to ask - Are we there yet? Why am I not there yet? Or even sometimes- will I ever get “there?”

The round-about way comes to all of us at one time or another in this life. When your heart aches with hurt or loss and you don’t understand why you’ve ended up where you are.  You may have faith and you know God can give you what you’re asking for........but He doesn’t. Yet.

I have found a waiting and growing season on that round-about way. How little would I understand and appreciate the magnitude of His gifts today without Him calling me to journey alongside Him through that time of single and sometimes lonely dependence on Him? Especially on this journey, He has been my portion, forever faithful. To speak honestly, I have struggled with giving thanks on the round-about way, not understanding His ways or His timing. But I have also realized that the hard-learned attitude of thankfulness was what drew me closer to Him. His hand held me fast. And that same hand is still proving His generosity to me. I am forever grateful.

As I contemplate His goodness to me, the focus of my thanksgiving this year turned to the blessing of family. The connection of hearts, the unconditional love, the mainstays of life. I believe there is no greater joy God has given me than to celebrate His love with family- and sometimes that means blood relation or simply the family you choose. Having “family” is truly abundance. God reminds me of the eternal treasure He has given each time I am with my family. My Father is so good and giving. He calls me to follow in that generosity.

Generosity is a natural outflow of a truly grateful heart. I have learned I must lose myself to get my Father’s best, giving up what I think I want for what He has in store for me. But even when He asks me to let something go, I have to remember that God’s nature is generous- rich in wisdom, kindness and grace. What He gives is so much more than I deserve, so much better than I what I would choose for myself, and immensely greater than what I dreamed. Isn’t it amazing when God speaks to your heart and teaches you, allowing you to see His love lived out in front of you?

Recently I have become reacquainted with a dear friend from my childhood. God has gifted me with this friendship again. I now have the privilege of getting to know him all over again. I am watching him live out Christ’s love, giving generously to those around him and I am amazed. I have observed as he makes time for those things that would seem small-the little conversations, the stops out of his way to show care and concern, to slow down and help those he meets when it would be easier to walk past. I have seen generosity in those moments when life would be more convenient to hoard time rather than give it away. I realize that he is living out the legacy his God-loving parents lived before him. Seeing Christ’s generosity in his life causes me to stop and examine my own heart. I know the motive behind the act is more important than the act itself. “Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.”- (Matthew 6:21 and Luke 12:34). Where is my treasure?

Christ’s example taught us to give of ourselves. We honor God with how we give- whether in time, talents or possessions. It’s not about the outcome. God doesn’t need what I have. It’s about following the prompting to give of ourselves, to keep receiving what He has for me by giving away what He has first given me, to show up and live a life of generosity.

What a simple practice, a return to Him for all He’s done for me - a thankful and generous heart is a small way to say thank you.

I sit in awestruck anticipation as God is writing a new chapter in my life. He is the amazing author and finisher of my faith. As He turns this page for me, I want the theme to be the joy of thankfulness. “For all that You’ve done and all that You’ll do, my heart pours out – thank You.”                                                                                                                                                 -Bethel, “Thank You.”

In This Moment

I've been reading a daily devotion through my Bible app - "Live In Grace -Walk In Love," by Bob Goff. This one was only a short five days, but I've ordered the 365 day devotional book now. Every time I read one of his writings, I never want it to end. You should check him out if you haven't.

Today's topic was entitled "Hoping For Others What You Hope For Yourself." It spoke to me and I want to share it here:

As my wife, Sweet Maria, will tell you, I haven’t always been the most patient person. I think fast food takes too long. The best part about sushi is you don’t have to wait to cook the fish.

My default setting is all gas, no brake. Sometimes I have a hard time slowing down long enough to have the deep conversations I’d otherwise like to have or be asked the hard questions. But I’m trying to do better.

Have you ever said that to yourself with an issue or trait you just can’t seem to get some distance from? I’m trying to do better. While the people around us are hoping we’ll try a little harder, you know you’re giving it everything you’ve got—even if it doesn’t look like a lot.

We can give ourselves the benefit of the doubt because we know God is always changing us and transforming us into people who look a little more like Jesus. He’s taking the long view with us. Thank goodness for that.

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to give yourself some grace, but it’s a lot harder to give it to someone else who we don’t think is changing fast enough?

What if we gave others the benefit of the doubt we’re quick to extend to ourselves? When someone snubs us or makes us feel inferior, what if we remembered they’re still in the process of becoming? They’re probably just as insecure as we are and just made the kind of mistake we make all the time.

Just like we’re growing out of the impatient or unkind or dogmatic or pretentious people we used to be, other people may be changing too. Give them a little grace while it happens.

So when someone slips up, celebrate how far they’ve come—don’t think about how long it took them to get there.

Being patient with others is difficult, but I find that being patient with myself is harder. I want to already “be”.....already be through my grief, already have that someone special in my life everyday, already have my future planned (which is so ridiculous). Even at work I want to have everything I know I need to do DONE, even if that task isn’t due yet. And I find myself waiting to be content until all of this is complete. My difficulty is living in the moment well because it seems I’ve always been waiting on some future hope. 

I look back and remember, I couldn’t wait until I was married. Then I couldn’t wait until we got to see our kids grow and graduate and gravitate toward families of their own. Then I couldn’t wait until we got to retire together and travel. But somewhere in the “couldn’t wait for’s,” my husband got cancer and my "couldn’t wait for" changed - I couldn’t wait for God to heal him. That “couldn’t wait for” lasted for eight years.  What I couldn’t wait for then is impossible to wait for now. In a moment, it seemed, life had changed.

You would think that through all of these life lessons God has brought me to, that I would be so much better at this task of patiently waiting in joy now. I’m still working on it. Probably should get a T-shirt made - "work in progress." I’m trying to make myself slow down,  remembering that God has a character to build in me, a perseverance to develop. There is something I need to learn from where He has planted me and who He has placed in my life.  And He has such sweet beauty for me to enjoy if I take the time to stop and be thankful in this moment. 

It does begin with this moment- seeing what He has given me, recognizing what He’s doing in my life and thanking Him for such a gift that He would work in the life of someone like me. It begins by choosing joy right where I am, here in these shoes that on so many days are already trying to run toward tomorrow. 

Here are the scriptures God has brought to mind this morning:

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.”

2 Corinthians 4:16 NIV

“I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.”

Philippians 4:11 NIV

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!”

Philippians 4:4 NIV

“Then my soul will rejoice in the Lord and delight in his salvation.”

Psalms 35:9 NIV

My prayer is for my Father to help me to slow down with myself and really accept the gift of today that He offers me, no matter what it brings. Christ told us to love our God with all our heart, all our soul and all our strength...and to love others as we love ourselves. I think by loving myself, who He has made me to be and where He has placed me, I will in turn give that grace to others. Maybe as Bob Goff suggests, I'll be able to celebrate how far I and my friends have come instead of thinking about how long it took for us to get there.

I leave you with a beautiful photo from a special friend who's been helping me through lately and a song from Housefires, "I'll Give Thanks."

"The things we see everyday are the things we never see at all." - G.K. Chesterton

The Process Before the Promise

My devotional this morning came from Lysa Terkeurst’s book, It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way. The scripture reference was Psalm 40. 

“I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him. Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods. Many, Lord my God, are the wonders you have done, the things you planned for us. None can compare with you; were I to speak and tell of your deeds, they would be too many to declare. Sacrifice and offering you did not desire— but my ears you have opened — burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require. Then I said, “Here I am, I have come— it is written about me in the scroll. I desire to do your will, my God; your law is within my heart.” I proclaim your saving acts in the great assembly; I do not seal my lips, Lord, as you know. I do not hide your righteousness in my heart; I speak of your faithfulness and your saving help. I do not conceal your love and your faithfulness from the great assembly. Do not withhold your mercy from me, Lord; may your love and faithfulness always protect me. For troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see. They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me. Be pleased to save me, Lord; come quickly, Lord, to help me. May all who want to take my life be put to shame and confusion; may all who desire my ruin be turned back in disgrace. May those who say to me, “Aha! Aha!” be appalled at their own shame. But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who long for your saving help always say, “The Lord is great!” But as for me, I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; you are my God, do not delay.”

Psalm 40:1-17 NIV

Eight years ago, this was the chapter after which I chose to name my blog - New Song Psalm. At that time, I desperately needed God to bring me through Kevin’s Multiple Myeloma cancer diagnosis and subsequently, my own breast cancer diagnosis. And now I’m needing Him to bring me through the hurt and grief even after three years have passed that Kevin went to be with Jesus. I’m needing Him to show me through my most recent hurts and disappointments that He has “better” waiting for me. I really want to believe He’s working on me during the wait. 

In Lysa's book, she states, “Our hope can’t be tied to whether or not a circumstance or another person changes. Our hope must be tied to the unchanging promise of God. We hope for the good we know God will ultimately bring from our situation, whether the good turns out to match our desires or not. And sometimes that takes a while. The process will most likely require us to be persevering. Patient. Maybe even long-suffering.”

The idea of waiting patiently in verse 1 is incredibly important in this Psalm. My devotional said that the Hebrew word for waiting patiently indicates that the waiting is ongoing and holds a sense of eager expectancy and hope. 

I’m guilty of impatience. I confess that I ask often, “How long, Lord?” I cry. I wallow in my loneliness at times. But then after I look to God, my Good Father, He reminds me that I am His beloved and He is mine. I am to keep my eyes on Him to bring me to my new song, to remember how to sing. After the waiting, God promises in His Word to lift me from the miry clay and set my feet on a rock, a firm foundation. He promises to put a new song of praise in my mouth. 

I am to wait eagerly, in hope, on Him. The picture that comes to my mind is what I have seen in my almost two-year old granddaughter Caroline when Callie walks to the freezer and asks if she wants a popsicle. Caroline fiercely claps her hands, smiles explosively and does a little jig. It’s the cutest thing! She knows what’s in the freezer because she’s seen it before. She knows that her mom can give her this thing she desires and that she will when Callie feels it’s the right time. That’s what I picture when I think of the phrase “waiting expectantly and eagerly.”

Can I believe that God wants to put a new song in my mouth? Can I trust that He is preparing me to accept the good thing for which I am waiting? Can I know that He will sustain me through the “eagerly waiting, picking me up from the miry clay and setting my feet on a rock” stage? Yes, I can. Maybe I should try clapping my hands, smiling to my Father and doing a little dance of praise more often in the waiting. 

I know that the outcomes in this life aren’t always what we want. But God has the best outcome for us always. When we seek Him first and His righteousness, all these things will be added to us (Matt 6:33) And we can trust that He’s working on us in the waiting to receive what’s going to help us sing that new song of praise. He’s already given me a new song. I just need a little help remembering how to sing it some days. 

Hope When It Hurts

This was such a timely devotion for me this morning. But God’s timing always is just right. 

“Jesus knows the pain of loneliness. He knows the loneliness of being misunderstood, the loneliness of being rejected by his own family, the loneliness of praying in agony while his closest friends drifted off to sleep nearby, and the loneliness of being abandoned by his Father. And he did it all for you.”

As I read this devotion, I was reminded of Paul's teachings to the church at Corinth of this truth...

“We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.”

2 Corinthians 4:10-12 NIV

Because we live in a broken world, we WILL be broken at some point in our lives. We will face heartbreak like death, divorce, abandonment, disappointments and even disillusionment. But Jesus can use the brokenness -  if we let Him. One of the comforts I bring to my mind in my state of brokenness is that He knows our pain - intimately knows our pain.

Paul also encouraged the church at Philippi to focus on their heavenward calling. "I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:14. 

Below is how I bring life application to this verse.

[Chris' paraphrase] -This one thing I do....stop looking at the past. It’s over. Mourn for the loss. Memorize the joys. Learn from it, then leave it. Press on to a greater goal.

There is an upward call on your life that is greater than the struggles you face today. And I know that these pains are not wasted in this life because God's Word promises that there is an eternal weight of glory being produced in your sufferings. The comfort is that Jesus knows. He knows the pain, the rejection, the loneliness. He took that path, the way of the cross, for you so that you could be made new, so that you could take hope along on your path to Him. 

Look at this treasure! God gave me this gift today - my mountain view this morning. It's not the mountain top yet, but that's coming later. Today would have marked 22 years of being married to Kevin. It’s not just that he wouldn’t want me to get stuck in this life, always looking back having sadness overshadow any possibility of joy. More importantly it’s that God doesn’t want me stuck. He still has a purpose and joy - for all of His children. But we have to know, we steer where we stare. We fixate on our focus. So every moment I have a choice. I can choose to continue to mourn my losses and the hurts and loneliness I’m experiencing at this present time. (And grieving does last a lot longer than you would think, but it doesn't have to consume-and that's another blog entry. :)  Or I can grab onto my Hope in Christ and the upward call He has placed on my life. I can press on as I try to stay the course.

The path is uphill most of the time. And the road may be lonely a lot of the time. But because I know the promises of my Sustainer, I know the summit will be glorious. 

New favorite worship "fight song!" Enjoy some Vertical Worship - "Yes I Will" https://youtu.be/NrTv39-lG4M

God Is In The Tremors

“It is in the dark that God is passing by. The bridge and our lives shake not because God has abandoned, but the exact opposite: God is passing by. God is in the tremors. Dark is the holiest ground, the glory passing by. In the blackest, God is closest, at work, forging His perfect and right will. Though it is black and we can't see and our world seems to be free-falling and we feel utterly alone, Christ is most present to us...” 
― Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are

It is May! The stirring excitement readying our seniors to walk the stage, preparing to take the rite of passage to open roads, to next chapters, to forging new paths. I have lived the life of a school counselor for nearly the past 15 years. What an honor, what a gift to have the privilege of speaking into the lives of students and to watch them transform from youthful seekers to resilient young adults learning to write beautiful stories with their lives.  For more than 15 years, I have watched them march to Pomp and Circumstance and transfer their tassels. This month has equated to excitement for my family for so many years. And then today I realized that May graduations are now bittersweet.

I worked hard for the first year or two forcing myself to take first steps. I visited the hospital floor and hugged my nurse-family. I walked into the Bone Marrow Transplant unit and thanked the doctors with collages. I sold a home and moved away. I bought a house and accepted this counseling position, walking into another high school for the first time by myself. And God has seen me through, has blessed me beyond my wildest thoughts with a new school family who are amazing at loving me. But then today, after almost three years and thinking I was through with "firsts," another one hit - graduation. This Friday, May 24th will be the first graduation I've been part of by myself. 

Grief comes in waves. Sometimes it feels like tremors. Sometimes they feel like undertows and I can't breathe. I wish dates weren't important. I wish anniversaries didn't exist. At least today I do. Honestly, I'm tired of firsts, especially when I thought I was through. So in the waves, the tremors, the undertows I wildly grasp for anything that can steady me. And then I remember...God doesn't waste pain. He's helping me write my story and He always brings beauty from the ashes. He is in my waiting, my waiting for something more. So in my times of tremors, sometimes I write to reflect, to release. I write to give perspective to the pain of this world - it is but a moment. 2 Corinthians 4:17 "For our momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison."

https://youtu.be/qyUPz6_TciY

Lessons Through Grief - From the Brokenness

This morning I had the privilege of helping lead worship again at Boyd Baptist Church. For the past three years (actually two years and 8 months) there aren't many places that feel like home anymore. But when I sit behind that piano and sing/play with my Praise Team, I feel as close as I think I can get to my heavenly home. My songs are my love to my Father. I will never take that privilege for granted. I am so thankful He's given me the avenue of music to express my love for and to Him.

I shared some thoughts before I sang this morning. Lessons Through Grief - From the Brokenness. Ann Voskamp says - "You are whatever you love. You are, at your very essence, not what you think, but what you love...We are compelled not by what we believe is right, but by what we love the most. You are not driven by duties. You are not driven by doctrines. You are driven by what you ultimately desire." - The Broken Way, A Daring Path Into the Abundant Life.

We can allow so many facets of our lives to drive us, seeking to fill the voids born from our brokenness. But God's promises are true - He WILL supply every need according to His riches in Christ Jesus. (Phil 4:19) So what do I need? Many days I do not know. But God does and He is one prayer away from helping to meet my needs from His abundant riches, riches I cannot begin to fathom. In Paul's second letter to the church at Thessalonica, he states - "Our God gives you everything you need, makes you everything you're to be." (The Message)

One clearly spoken message God is revealing to me recently (yes, "is revealing" because it's a process) is through the broken way of grief. Most of these grief lessons are hard and I still have so much to learn. God tells me to remember that He is my first love. My desire for Him is where I will find His supply, His goodness, His riches. And very possibly while I am grieving over the changes in my life, that may be His plan to make a change in me.

Thank you to my brothers and sisters on our Praise Team who helped me share this message in song today. I love each of you.