God Is In The Tremors

“It is in the dark that God is passing by. The bridge and our lives shake not because God has abandoned, but the exact opposite: God is passing by. God is in the tremors. Dark is the holiest ground, the glory passing by. In the blackest, God is closest, at work, forging His perfect and right will. Though it is black and we can't see and our world seems to be free-falling and we feel utterly alone, Christ is most present to us...” 
― Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are

It is May! The stirring excitement readying our seniors to walk the stage, preparing to take the rite of passage to open roads, to next chapters, to forging new paths. I have lived the life of a school counselor for nearly the past 15 years. What an honor, what a gift to have the privilege of speaking into the lives of students and to watch them transform from youthful seekers to resilient young adults learning to write beautiful stories with their lives.  For more than 15 years, I have watched them march to Pomp and Circumstance and transfer their tassels. This month has equated to excitement for my family for so many years. And then today I realized that May graduations are now bittersweet.

I worked hard for the first year or two forcing myself to take first steps. I visited the hospital floor and hugged my nurse-family. I walked into the Bone Marrow Transplant unit and thanked the doctors with collages. I sold a home and moved away. I bought a house and accepted this counseling position, walking into another high school for the first time by myself. And God has seen me through, has blessed me beyond my wildest thoughts with a new school family who are amazing at loving me. But then today, after almost three years and thinking I was through with "firsts," another one hit - graduation. This Friday, May 24th will be the first graduation I've been part of by myself. 

Grief comes in waves. Sometimes it feels like tremors. Sometimes they feel like undertows and I can't breathe. I wish dates weren't important. I wish anniversaries didn't exist. At least today I do. Honestly, I'm tired of firsts, especially when I thought I was through. So in the waves, the tremors, the undertows I wildly grasp for anything that can steady me. And then I remember...God doesn't waste pain. He's helping me write my story and He always brings beauty from the ashes. He is in my waiting, my waiting for something more. So in my times of tremors, sometimes I write to reflect, to release. I write to give perspective to the pain of this world - it is but a moment. 2 Corinthians 4:17 "For our momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison."

https://youtu.be/qyUPz6_TciY

Lessons Through Grief - From the Brokenness

This morning I had the privilege of helping lead worship again at Boyd Baptist Church. For the past three years (actually two years and 8 months) there aren't many places that feel like home anymore. But when I sit behind that piano and sing/play with my Praise Team, I feel as close as I think I can get to my heavenly home. My songs are my love to my Father. I will never take that privilege for granted. I am so thankful He's given me the avenue of music to express my love for and to Him.

I shared some thoughts before I sang this morning. Lessons Through Grief - From the Brokenness. Ann Voskamp says - "You are whatever you love. You are, at your very essence, not what you think, but what you love...We are compelled not by what we believe is right, but by what we love the most. You are not driven by duties. You are not driven by doctrines. You are driven by what you ultimately desire." - The Broken Way, A Daring Path Into the Abundant Life.

We can allow so many facets of our lives to drive us, seeking to fill the voids born from our brokenness. But God's promises are true - He WILL supply every need according to His riches in Christ Jesus. (Phil 4:19) So what do I need? Many days I do not know. But God does and He is one prayer away from helping to meet my needs from His abundant riches, riches I cannot begin to fathom. In Paul's second letter to the church at Thessalonica, he states - "Our God gives you everything you need, makes you everything you're to be." (The Message)

One clearly spoken message God is revealing to me recently (yes, "is revealing" because it's a process) is through the broken way of grief. Most of these grief lessons are hard and I still have so much to learn. God tells me to remember that He is my first love. My desire for Him is where I will find His supply, His goodness, His riches. And very possibly while I am grieving over the changes in my life, that may be His plan to make a change in me.

Thank you to my brothers and sisters on our Praise Team who helped me share this message in song today. I love each of you.

Why Pray?

"He must increase, but I must decrease." John 3:30

The topic for my post today, after a year of "silence" in the blogging world, may shock some of the people who are closest to me. If you have been reading my husband's blog, kevinsmarathon.blogspot.com, then you have a bit of background on our situation as it exists. I won't recount trials or bore you with a long list of "woe-is-me"s.  Basically, Kevin and I have been experiencing life...and life has trials... and trials are never convenient, always life-changing and most times, mind-boggling.

One thing I have come to realize about trials is that they are neither deserving nor un-deserving. What I mean to say is that I don't believe God sits on His heavenly throne doling out trials as a punishment or reward. I've heard some Christians speak as if they believe that if we're good, nothing bad will happen to us. I'm not sure if they really believe that, but it's not true. It's certainly not biblical. In Psalm 126, the Israelites were celebrating - maybe about their return from captivity, remembering how wonderful God had been to them. But then in verse 4, the Psalmist asks for God to "do it again. Bring rains to our drought-stricken lives." Not asking for forgiveness; just asking for relief, for joy again. Christians are supposed to expect tears. Ezekiel 11:36 - "I will remove from them their heart of stone and I will give them a new heart of flesh." I am more vulnerable, more feeling, more apt to share grief and hurts with others. So when the tearful trials come, I need to take them to my Father.

In addition to this, I have discovered a new-found hope and reassurance in prayer. I can tell you what I've been taught about prayer and what the Bible says about prayer. But if I can't tell you about my personal experience with prayer, I might as well not talk about it. In his last post, Kevin talked about brutal honesty, "100% Stinky Lessons." So to be honest, lately I've had some "why pray? moments." I've struggled with the, "If God is omnipotent (all-powerful-and I believe He is), if He is omniscient (all-knowing-and I believe He is) and if He is omnipresent (ever, always present - and I believe He is), then what does it matter if I pray? What does it matter since others are praying for me? If God intends for Kevin or for me to be healed, won't He heal us anyway? What if He doesn't?" No, I'm not proud of these "temper-tantrum" moments. I'm just being honest. So after talking to God about my prayer-doubts (yes, you can do that - He knows about them anyway), here are some things He has shown me.

• Prayer is about maintaining a personal relationship with a personal Savior. Kevin and I were talking about this very topic. I think he summed it up best by saying, "How do we maintain our relationships with our own kids? If we never communicate with them, we begin not to know them anymore." God will always know ME, but I can reach a point where I don't know HIM anymore - where I'm not as familiar with His desire for me or His guidance in life - a point where I just don't feel love from my heavenly Father. That's a lonely place.

• Prayer is my opportunity for honesty before the One who knows me best and loves me most. I admit my fears, confess my failures, request (sometimes plead) what I want and need (and for the wisdom to know the difference). 

• Prayer helps me grow. I was made to praise God and enjoy relationships. Without these, my life would be void. Tim Keller put it best when he said we must develop the disciplines of thinking, thanking and loving. "Whatever is true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious - the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly, things to praise, not things to curse." Phil 4:8 (MSG) Think on these things, and I believe, pray/meditate on these things. "Don't be anxious, but pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank Him for all He has done," Phil 4:6 (NLT). God works all of it out for good for His children who are called for His purposes - Romans 8:28. It's like God looks down on me saying, "My child, I love you. So when you make a request, I will give you what you would have asked for if you would have known everything I know." I thank Him because, in spite of my limited understanding, He allows for me what is best. And lastly, love. Even if I could do all things greatly, have all the talents and skills possible, and "if I don't have love, I am nothing," I Cor 13:2. I need prayer to learn to love God, myself and others well. Prayers helps me see situations and others through the eyes of my Father.

• Prayer isn't about changing my circumstances. It's about changing how I handle my circumstances. I realize that in this moment, I'm seeing "through a glass darkly," I Cor. 13:9. One day all of God's reasons will be clear to me. Until then, I pray.

So this was my answer to my prayer about prayer. My cousin, who is enduring trials of her own right now, sent this link as encouragement. No doubt God brought me to her mind so I could be encouraged as part of His teaching me that prayer does matter. This is a post from John Piper - http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/you-can-never-ask-too-much I pray God speaks to you through it.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

     I'm really not a fan of David Bowie, but you've got to admit, it's a catchy title. My past year, however, was full of them. Changes, that is. First a quick medical update - a couple of weeks ago my oncologist announced that I had clear scans - no other signs of cancer lurking in the shadows. Yea! Incredible news! After a brief celebration, we discussed all of the medications I have been prescribed and how I am "dealing with the side effects."
      To begin, my mind isn't as sharp as it once was. I walk into rooms not remembering why I'm there. I think one word but say another. And I'm having many "double conversations" with people. It's usually not until I've completed my tale that I realize I've caused someone to endure another "rerun." Just not as quick thinking as I was BC (before cancer). Much of my nights and days have been taken captive by medically induced anxiety and hourly sweats. My doctor remains wonderfully empathetic, tirelessly trying to find the right meds that will simultaneously agree with my body and fight my particular breast cancer. I still have hope that we will discover the right drug. Still, at times, side effects overwhelm, nights are endless, sleep escapes. The more I experience side effects of treatment, the more I realize how impatient I have been, maybe not always outwardly, but in my thoughts and attitude. My life has changed.
     Play word association with me for a moment. What words come to your mind when YOU hear the word change? You might say "difference," "status quo," or "growth." Change is scary, sometimes crippling. But there's one thing about change that will never, well, change. It's that change is inevitable. I asserted that my life has changed and alluded to my struggles. But despite the daily battles, change is the biggest agent that has brought a new perspective from my Father.
     In the book of Job (and I would NEVER compare my plight to his), God brings him to the realization that he will never comprehend what God is doing through the changes He allowed in Job's life. Job finally relinquishes all his hurt and his questions to God's sovereignty. Job answers God: "I'm convinced - You can do anything and everything. Nothing and no one can upset Your plans. You asked, 'Who is this muddying the water, ignorantly confusing the issue, second-guessing My purposes?' I admit it. I was the one. I babbled on about things far beyond me, made small talk about wonders way over my head. You told me, 'Listen, and let Me do the talking. Let Me ask the questions. You give the answers.' I admit I once lived by rumors of You; now I have it all firsthand - from my own eyes and ears! I'm sorry-forgive me. I'll never do that again; I promise I'll never again live on crusts of hearsay, crumbs of rumor." (Job 42:1-6 MSG)
     Here are some of the lessons I've learned about the change God allows:

• My thoughts are not His thoughts (Isaiah 55:8) What He has planned is by far greater that what I could ever plan for my life alone.
• His ways are higher than my ways - God's methods of teaching me, showing His goodness, are not what I would pick for myself. Who wants pain? Who asks for suffering? But those can be the change agents to produce character and endurance. (Romans 5:3-4)
• The last point (and I'm still working on this one) is that I should embrace change because it produces growth. If I'm growing, I'm alive. I think this lesson will take my lifetime to learn.

So weirdly, I'm learning to thank God for the side effects. I'm asking Him to keep my heart open to life lessons He wants me to learn and it's a daily thing. My closest friends know how many times I fail. These shortcomings serve to remind me of why I need a Savior.

Representation Through Relationship

       Christmas - what a wonderful time of year! Recently I heard someone comment that everyone seems so much nicer around this time of year and why can't we be that way all year long, taking time to make phone calls, send gifts, bake goodies for the neighbors. I agree; I wish the Christmas spirit would last. Our Christmases are usually filled with family, food and games. As far back as I can remember, that's the way we have always celebrated Jesus' entering our world, by drawing close to each other and reacquainting ourselves with our family members who have been separated from us during the year. And it doesn't seem to matter how long it's been since we've been together. Brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins embrace, share stories, reminisce of past days and exude excitement - happy to be back together as family. It just feels good to be whole again.
       Over the holidays, I heard a Willow Creek Community Church podcast; Donald Miller was the guest speaker. During his sermon, Miller asserted that we are tied to each other through our relationships and become a representation of one another. We are one person, but we can be many different things to different people. I am a wife, a mother, a grandmother, a sister, a daughter, a counselor and a friend. When I am connected to people, I represent them. I might hear, "Oh that's Kevin's wife," or "That's Kati's, Callie's, Derick's & Ryan's mom." Whether I want to be this portrayal is not even a consideration. I AM a representation of my family and friends. When we create relationships, we are bound. I am one with my husband, Kevin, even though we have different bodies. Everywhere I go, I have the opportunity to dignify or disgrace him by how I carry myself. He and I are one; we affect each other. When I ponder this idea, I am reminded of Whose I am. How much more am I a representation of Christ, because I claim Him as my Lord?
       Miller continued by reminding that scripture tells us Jesus is not gone from this world. He has come into the world and continues to come into the world through His children, through us. Every morning when our feet hit the floor, it's Christmas morning. In essence, Christmas can be all year long. Jesus comes into the world daily through us. Paul wrote to in Colossians 1:27, "For God wanted them to know that the riches and glory of Christ lives in you. This gives you assurance of sharing His glory" (NLT). Some translations read, "Christ in you, the hope of glory." We are one with Christ although we are separate beings. As His children, we represent Christ. You represent Christ. I represent Christ.

        I'm not much into resolutions, but if I were to make one, "God of Hope" by Charlie Hall voices my resolution for this new year. It's not what I can do in myself, but what Christ can do through me. Maybe Christmas will last longer this year. (You can play the song below)

Humble Heroes

       I have just finished my second week of radiation now; almost three weeks of hormonal therapy to block cancer growth. I mention this only to help anyone who might be reading this blog who is in the course of, or about to go through, treatment for breast cancer. In all things, I believe we are to share our experiences, the good and the difficult. Notice the word choice here - it's not "good and bad." Obviously the connotation for bad is negative, down-trodden, depressing and sometimes damaging. Even though this particular journey isn't one for which I would have wished, it's not bad. (For more info on why I've begun to agree with this perspective, read some of Phillip Yancey's Where Is God When It Hurts.)When we share our journeys, this is the Blessing of Encouragement. If you know I have already been where you are about to travel, the road for you is likely to be less lonely, less terrifying. My thanks to the many who have modeled for me, who have been courageous enough to share their fears and, in doing so, have lessened mine.
       I was reading in Hebrews about the "heroes of the faith." I really like Hebrews. There is disagreement as to the authorship, but regardless of who wrote it, to me Hebrews is a whole book of encouragement, kind of like an apostle's pep-talk. After the writer finishes praising God and reminding the audience that Christ was God's Son, he reminds us that Jesus is the centerpiece of all we believe and that He was faithful to His Father in all that He was asked to do. The author tells us to not give up believing no matter what and to have faith. Then, in chapter 11, in the same manner as all the "begets"back in the Old Testament (I tend to become very lost in those), he starts naming the Heroes of Faith - Abel, Enoch, Noah, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Sarah, Joseph, Moses, Rahab and the list seems to go on and on. One thing I noticed, something all of these "heroes" had in common, is that they were humble, ordinary people that never gave up. They never quit believing. "Not one of these people, even though their lives of faith were exemplary, got their hands on what was promised. God had a better plan for us: that their faith and our faith would come together to make one completed whole, their lives of faith not complete apart from ours," Hebrews 11:39-40. In chapter 12 he continues to remind us to run the race that is set before us without hinderances. Basically, don't quit.
       Society doesn't seem to view heroes in this way anymore, that perseverance, humility and sacrifice are strength and character-building. I think we've skewed heroic characteristics a bit (actually a lot) and we've lost, as a culture, an accurate picture of what a hero really looks like. Seems like today we tend to praise the power-house, money making, self-absorbed personalities flaunted in the media.  When I  frequently talk to students about their hopes and dreams, sadly, they usually involve being recognized and having lots of money.
       In Max Lucado's Traveling Light, he discusses the burden of arrogance. He reminds the reader of the biblical admonitions to embody humility and says just as the scalpel in the hands of a brilliant surgeon, or the ink in the pen of a Pulitzer-prize winning author, we are but tools in God's hands, used for His glory and for His purpose. Lucado offers a few tips to help us cultivate humility:
       1. Assess yourself honestly - Romans 12:3 "Don't cherish exaggerated ideas of yourself or your importance, but try to have a sane estimate of your capabilities by the light of the faith that God has given you."
       2. Don't take success too seriously - "When your ...silver and gold increase,...your heart will become proud," Deut. 8:13-14. Counteract this pride with reminders of the brevity of life and the frailty of wealth. Eccles. 5:15 - "He arrived naked in the womb of his mother; He'll leave in the same condition-with nothing." So Lucado says we would do better to count our money and success in a cemetery - neither will be buried with us.
       3. Celebrate the significance of others - "In humility, consider others better than yourselves," Phil. 2:3. Get over yourself.
       4. Don't demand your own parking place - "Go sit in a seat that is not important. When the host comes to you, he may say, 'Friend, move up here to a more important place.' The other guests will respect you," Luke 14:10.
       5.  Never announce your success before it occurs - "One who puts on his armor shouldn't boast like one who takes it off," 1 Kings 20:11. This is much like the warning in Proverbs about corelation between "the pride" and "the fall."
       6. Speak humbly - "Let no arrogance come from your mouth," 1 Sam 2:3. People aren't impressed with your opinions.
       7. Live at the foot of the cross - "The cross of our Lord Jesus Christ is my only reason for bragging," Gal 6:14.
My life is blessed with humble heroes (who shall remain nameless because I haven't asked their permission to name them), those people who forget themselves and stand in the gap when needed, who sacrifice their time to help without expectation of reward. And those heroes are helping me teach our students the importance of sacrifice, of looking out for others' interests before their own and taking no pride for themselves. I have a friend who has led her student organiation to adopt a worthy cause each month and to sacrifice time to raise money to celebrate the significance of others. I have a friend who visits students after hours, students who have made decisions that have led them to incarceration. My friend visits these kids because she's living an humble life at the foot of something bigger than herself, at the foot of the cross. I have a friend who works behind the scenes to orchestrate the help of others when I am not strong enough to do the tasks myself. Thank You, God, for Your blessing of these friends and how You supply through them.

   

I Look to You

       St Francis of Assisi once said, "Preach the gospel always. When necessary, use words." We do our best teaching by modeling. What you want to leave, your legacy, you need to model for others so that they "see" your life.  I have begun reading another one of Donald Miller's books, Searching For God Knows What. The latest thoughts this book has caused me to ponder are our need for acceptance. Miller speaks about a lifeboat economy, where we, as a society, decide who gets to stay in the lifeboat according to how we view one another, how we "rate" each other's value. He's not saying this is how it SHOULD be; just this is how life is. This is the premise for the groups in which we gather, the cliques that occur, the walls we build. I see this everyday at school. It's heartbreaking. There's a lot of research and literature on Female Relational Aggression, but it 's not only the girls. The young men of our schools vie for position, some being left out to seek company of another cluster. But they only do this because they have seen it modeled - in us.
       Each day we travel to our places of employment, seek out our sections of of society, and we vie for position, evaluating each other by our differences. I'm not trying to be depressing; I've just been thinking about how I have been modeling acceptance lately. Miller writes, "What we commonly think of as love is really the desire to be loved...when I want somebody to like me, I am really wanting them to say that I am redeemed, that I am not a loser, that I can stay in the boat." Imagine what it would be like if we all believed and trusted in God's redemption, if we all believed that we were really loved and accepted. The people who are mega-rich would be generous and help others without expecting anything in return. We would associate with those who are not like us and seek how we could help each other. We would begin to see each other through His eyes, rather than the evaluative scale we so commonly utilize. We would actually model God's love. Miller continues by reminding his readers that even King David danced naked before the Lord in worship. His wife thought he was crazy and so did all the other people who saw, but David had lost his inhibitions and was giving all he had to praise his God. There is a certain feeling, a freeing, in getting our redemption from God and not from other people. "It is absolutely clear that God has called you to a free life. Just make sure that you don't use this freedom as an excuse to do whatever you want to do and destroy your freedom. Rather, use your freedom to serve one another in love; that's how freedom grows." Galatians 5:13 (The Message)

Coach Burnett and his new baby.

       This past Friday night was an auspicious occasion for me. I had the privilege to be a close part of the Warrior football team, pre-game. Coach Burnett relayed that the coaches and young men had talked and agreed to name me their "Educator of the Week." I was honored. They presented me with a football jersey that I would wear on Friday to the pep rally and that evening to the game. I was invited to come into the locker room before the game and be a part of the coaches' prayer time, then walk into the field house and share in the prayer time and inspiration with the team. As Kevin and I sat with the coaches before speaking to the young men who waited, it was a bit awkward. We sat and did what comes naturally when there is silence - we sparred and made light jokes. I wasn't thinking about the details and had yet to realize the planning that had been purposefully worked to honor the Educator of the Week. That was until Dillon came into the coach's office. Our quarterback had donned his orange Honey Grove Warrior jersey, but it was what he was wearing in addition to his uniform that caught my eye. Pink socks, pink shoestrings and a pink bracelet - "Fight for Mrs. Weaver." My tears came freely. Coach Burnett spoke to the young warriors of faith and believing and being blessed. It was in that moment that there were no groups, no separations; just all of us, respecting, honoring, and loving each other and I felt like I had a huge family of brothers who were making sure I knew how much they cared for me. I was honored, but not in the way you might think. I was honored to be a part of such an intimate time in this family. It wasn't about who I was, but how I was accepted. Our Warriors stole the game that night, 50-0. And among the least of these, I was blessed.
"For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek; for the same Lord is Lord of all, bestowing His riches on all who call on Him." Romans 10:12

Enjoy another one of my favs in music, Selah, singing "I Look to You," giving testimony to how God supplies our need for acceptance.