In This Moment

I've been reading a daily devotion through my Bible app - "Live In Grace -Walk In Love," by Bob Goff. This one was only a short five days, but I've ordered the 365 day devotional book now. Every time I read one of his writings, I never want it to end. You should check him out if you haven't.

Today's topic was entitled "Hoping For Others What You Hope For Yourself." It spoke to me and I want to share it here:

As my wife, Sweet Maria, will tell you, I haven’t always been the most patient person. I think fast food takes too long. The best part about sushi is you don’t have to wait to cook the fish.

My default setting is all gas, no brake. Sometimes I have a hard time slowing down long enough to have the deep conversations I’d otherwise like to have or be asked the hard questions. But I’m trying to do better.

Have you ever said that to yourself with an issue or trait you just can’t seem to get some distance from? I’m trying to do better. While the people around us are hoping we’ll try a little harder, you know you’re giving it everything you’ve got—even if it doesn’t look like a lot.

We can give ourselves the benefit of the doubt because we know God is always changing us and transforming us into people who look a little more like Jesus. He’s taking the long view with us. Thank goodness for that.

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to give yourself some grace, but it’s a lot harder to give it to someone else who we don’t think is changing fast enough?

What if we gave others the benefit of the doubt we’re quick to extend to ourselves? When someone snubs us or makes us feel inferior, what if we remembered they’re still in the process of becoming? They’re probably just as insecure as we are and just made the kind of mistake we make all the time.

Just like we’re growing out of the impatient or unkind or dogmatic or pretentious people we used to be, other people may be changing too. Give them a little grace while it happens.

So when someone slips up, celebrate how far they’ve come—don’t think about how long it took them to get there.

Being patient with others is difficult, but I find that being patient with myself is harder. I want to already “be”.....already be through my grief, already have that someone special in my life everyday, already have my future planned (which is so ridiculous). Even at work I want to have everything I know I need to do DONE, even if that task isn’t due yet. And I find myself waiting to be content until all of this is complete. My difficulty is living in the moment well because it seems I’ve always been waiting on some future hope. 

I look back and remember, I couldn’t wait until I was married. Then I couldn’t wait until we got to see our kids grow and graduate and gravitate toward families of their own. Then I couldn’t wait until we got to retire together and travel. But somewhere in the “couldn’t wait for’s,” my husband got cancer and my "couldn’t wait for" changed - I couldn’t wait for God to heal him. That “couldn’t wait for” lasted for eight years.  What I couldn’t wait for then is impossible to wait for now. In a moment, it seemed, life had changed.

You would think that through all of these life lessons God has brought me to, that I would be so much better at this task of patiently waiting in joy now. I’m still working on it. Probably should get a T-shirt made - "work in progress." I’m trying to make myself slow down,  remembering that God has a character to build in me, a perseverance to develop. There is something I need to learn from where He has planted me and who He has placed in my life.  And He has such sweet beauty for me to enjoy if I take the time to stop and be thankful in this moment. 

It does begin with this moment- seeing what He has given me, recognizing what He’s doing in my life and thanking Him for such a gift that He would work in the life of someone like me. It begins by choosing joy right where I am, here in these shoes that on so many days are already trying to run toward tomorrow. 

Here are the scriptures God has brought to mind this morning:

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.”

2 Corinthians 4:16 NIV

“I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.”

Philippians 4:11 NIV

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!”

Philippians 4:4 NIV

“Then my soul will rejoice in the Lord and delight in his salvation.”

Psalms 35:9 NIV

My prayer is for my Father to help me to slow down with myself and really accept the gift of today that He offers me, no matter what it brings. Christ told us to love our God with all our heart, all our soul and all our strength...and to love others as we love ourselves. I think by loving myself, who He has made me to be and where He has placed me, I will in turn give that grace to others. Maybe as Bob Goff suggests, I'll be able to celebrate how far I and my friends have come instead of thinking about how long it took for us to get there.

I leave you with a beautiful photo from a special friend who's been helping me through lately and a song from Housefires, "I'll Give Thanks."

"The things we see everyday are the things we never see at all." - G.K. Chesterton

The Process Before the Promise

My devotional this morning came from Lysa Terkeurst’s book, It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way. The scripture reference was Psalm 40. 

“I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him. Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods. Many, Lord my God, are the wonders you have done, the things you planned for us. None can compare with you; were I to speak and tell of your deeds, they would be too many to declare. Sacrifice and offering you did not desire— but my ears you have opened — burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require. Then I said, “Here I am, I have come— it is written about me in the scroll. I desire to do your will, my God; your law is within my heart.” I proclaim your saving acts in the great assembly; I do not seal my lips, Lord, as you know. I do not hide your righteousness in my heart; I speak of your faithfulness and your saving help. I do not conceal your love and your faithfulness from the great assembly. Do not withhold your mercy from me, Lord; may your love and faithfulness always protect me. For troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see. They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me. Be pleased to save me, Lord; come quickly, Lord, to help me. May all who want to take my life be put to shame and confusion; may all who desire my ruin be turned back in disgrace. May those who say to me, “Aha! Aha!” be appalled at their own shame. But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who long for your saving help always say, “The Lord is great!” But as for me, I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; you are my God, do not delay.”

Psalm 40:1-17 NIV

Eight years ago, this was the chapter after which I chose to name my blog - New Song Psalm. At that time, I desperately needed God to bring me through Kevin’s Multiple Myeloma cancer diagnosis and subsequently, my own breast cancer diagnosis. And now I’m needing Him to bring me through the hurt and grief even after three years have passed that Kevin went to be with Jesus. I’m needing Him to show me through my most recent hurts and disappointments that He has “better” waiting for me. I really want to believe He’s working on me during the wait. 

In Lysa's book, she states, “Our hope can’t be tied to whether or not a circumstance or another person changes. Our hope must be tied to the unchanging promise of God. We hope for the good we know God will ultimately bring from our situation, whether the good turns out to match our desires or not. And sometimes that takes a while. The process will most likely require us to be persevering. Patient. Maybe even long-suffering.”

The idea of waiting patiently in verse 1 is incredibly important in this Psalm. My devotional said that the Hebrew word for waiting patiently indicates that the waiting is ongoing and holds a sense of eager expectancy and hope. 

I’m guilty of impatience. I confess that I ask often, “How long, Lord?” I cry. I wallow in my loneliness at times. But then after I look to God, my Good Father, He reminds me that I am His beloved and He is mine. I am to keep my eyes on Him to bring me to my new song, to remember how to sing. After the waiting, God promises in His Word to lift me from the miry clay and set my feet on a rock, a firm foundation. He promises to put a new song of praise in my mouth. 

I am to wait eagerly, in hope, on Him. The picture that comes to my mind is what I have seen in my almost two-year old granddaughter Caroline when Callie walks to the freezer and asks if she wants a popsicle. Caroline fiercely claps her hands, smiles explosively and does a little jig. It’s the cutest thing! She knows what’s in the freezer because she’s seen it before. She knows that her mom can give her this thing she desires and that she will when Callie feels it’s the right time. That’s what I picture when I think of the phrase “waiting expectantly and eagerly.”

Can I believe that God wants to put a new song in my mouth? Can I trust that He is preparing me to accept the good thing for which I am waiting? Can I know that He will sustain me through the “eagerly waiting, picking me up from the miry clay and setting my feet on a rock” stage? Yes, I can. Maybe I should try clapping my hands, smiling to my Father and doing a little dance of praise more often in the waiting. 

I know that the outcomes in this life aren’t always what we want. But God has the best outcome for us always. When we seek Him first and His righteousness, all these things will be added to us (Matt 6:33) And we can trust that He’s working on us in the waiting to receive what’s going to help us sing that new song of praise. He’s already given me a new song. I just need a little help remembering how to sing it some days. 

Hope When It Hurts

This was such a timely devotion for me this morning. But God’s timing always is just right. 

“Jesus knows the pain of loneliness. He knows the loneliness of being misunderstood, the loneliness of being rejected by his own family, the loneliness of praying in agony while his closest friends drifted off to sleep nearby, and the loneliness of being abandoned by his Father. And he did it all for you.”

As I read this devotion, I was reminded of Paul's teachings to the church at Corinth of this truth...

“We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.”

2 Corinthians 4:10-12 NIV

Because we live in a broken world, we WILL be broken at some point in our lives. We will face heartbreak like death, divorce, abandonment, disappointments and even disillusionment. But Jesus can use the brokenness -  if we let Him. One of the comforts I bring to my mind in my state of brokenness is that He knows our pain - intimately knows our pain.

Paul also encouraged the church at Philippi to focus on their heavenward calling. "I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:14. 

Below is how I bring life application to this verse.

[Chris' paraphrase] -This one thing I do....stop looking at the past. It’s over. Mourn for the loss. Memorize the joys. Learn from it, then leave it. Press on to a greater goal.

There is an upward call on your life that is greater than the struggles you face today. And I know that these pains are not wasted in this life because God's Word promises that there is an eternal weight of glory being produced in your sufferings. The comfort is that Jesus knows. He knows the pain, the rejection, the loneliness. He took that path, the way of the cross, for you so that you could be made new, so that you could take hope along on your path to Him. 

Look at this treasure! God gave me this gift today - my mountain view this morning. It's not the mountain top yet, but that's coming later. Today would have marked 22 years of being married to Kevin. It’s not just that he wouldn’t want me to get stuck in this life, always looking back having sadness overshadow any possibility of joy. More importantly it’s that God doesn’t want me stuck. He still has a purpose and joy - for all of His children. But we have to know, we steer where we stare. We fixate on our focus. So every moment I have a choice. I can choose to continue to mourn my losses and the hurts and loneliness I’m experiencing at this present time. (And grieving does last a lot longer than you would think, but it doesn't have to consume-and that's another blog entry. :)  Or I can grab onto my Hope in Christ and the upward call He has placed on my life. I can press on as I try to stay the course.

The path is uphill most of the time. And the road may be lonely a lot of the time. But because I know the promises of my Sustainer, I know the summit will be glorious. 

New favorite worship "fight song!" Enjoy some Vertical Worship - "Yes I Will" https://youtu.be/NrTv39-lG4M

God Is In The Tremors

“It is in the dark that God is passing by. The bridge and our lives shake not because God has abandoned, but the exact opposite: God is passing by. God is in the tremors. Dark is the holiest ground, the glory passing by. In the blackest, God is closest, at work, forging His perfect and right will. Though it is black and we can't see and our world seems to be free-falling and we feel utterly alone, Christ is most present to us...” 
― Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are

It is May! The stirring excitement readying our seniors to walk the stage, preparing to take the rite of passage to open roads, to next chapters, to forging new paths. I have lived the life of a school counselor for nearly the past 15 years. What an honor, what a gift to have the privilege of speaking into the lives of students and to watch them transform from youthful seekers to resilient young adults learning to write beautiful stories with their lives.  For more than 15 years, I have watched them march to Pomp and Circumstance and transfer their tassels. This month has equated to excitement for my family for so many years. And then today I realized that May graduations are now bittersweet.

I worked hard for the first year or two forcing myself to take first steps. I visited the hospital floor and hugged my nurse-family. I walked into the Bone Marrow Transplant unit and thanked the doctors with collages. I sold a home and moved away. I bought a house and accepted this counseling position, walking into another high school for the first time by myself. And God has seen me through, has blessed me beyond my wildest thoughts with a new school family who are amazing at loving me. But then today, after almost three years and thinking I was through with "firsts," another one hit - graduation. This Friday, May 24th will be the first graduation I've been part of by myself. 

Grief comes in waves. Sometimes it feels like tremors. Sometimes they feel like undertows and I can't breathe. I wish dates weren't important. I wish anniversaries didn't exist. At least today I do. Honestly, I'm tired of firsts, especially when I thought I was through. So in the waves, the tremors, the undertows I wildly grasp for anything that can steady me. And then I remember...God doesn't waste pain. He's helping me write my story and He always brings beauty from the ashes. He is in my waiting, my waiting for something more. So in my times of tremors, sometimes I write to reflect, to release. I write to give perspective to the pain of this world - it is but a moment. 2 Corinthians 4:17 "For our momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison."

https://youtu.be/qyUPz6_TciY

Lessons Through Grief - From the Brokenness

This morning I had the privilege of helping lead worship again at Boyd Baptist Church. For the past three years (actually two years and 8 months) there aren't many places that feel like home anymore. But when I sit behind that piano and sing/play with my Praise Team, I feel as close as I think I can get to my heavenly home. My songs are my love to my Father. I will never take that privilege for granted. I am so thankful He's given me the avenue of music to express my love for and to Him.

I shared some thoughts before I sang this morning. Lessons Through Grief - From the Brokenness. Ann Voskamp says - "You are whatever you love. You are, at your very essence, not what you think, but what you love...We are compelled not by what we believe is right, but by what we love the most. You are not driven by duties. You are not driven by doctrines. You are driven by what you ultimately desire." - The Broken Way, A Daring Path Into the Abundant Life.

We can allow so many facets of our lives to drive us, seeking to fill the voids born from our brokenness. But God's promises are true - He WILL supply every need according to His riches in Christ Jesus. (Phil 4:19) So what do I need? Many days I do not know. But God does and He is one prayer away from helping to meet my needs from His abundant riches, riches I cannot begin to fathom. In Paul's second letter to the church at Thessalonica, he states - "Our God gives you everything you need, makes you everything you're to be." (The Message)

One clearly spoken message God is revealing to me recently (yes, "is revealing" because it's a process) is through the broken way of grief. Most of these grief lessons are hard and I still have so much to learn. God tells me to remember that He is my first love. My desire for Him is where I will find His supply, His goodness, His riches. And very possibly while I am grieving over the changes in my life, that may be His plan to make a change in me.

Thank you to my brothers and sisters on our Praise Team who helped me share this message in song today. I love each of you.

Why Pray?

"He must increase, but I must decrease." John 3:30

The topic for my post today, after a year of "silence" in the blogging world, may shock some of the people who are closest to me. If you have been reading my husband's blog, kevinsmarathon.blogspot.com, then you have a bit of background on our situation as it exists. I won't recount trials or bore you with a long list of "woe-is-me"s.  Basically, Kevin and I have been experiencing life...and life has trials... and trials are never convenient, always life-changing and most times, mind-boggling.

One thing I have come to realize about trials is that they are neither deserving nor un-deserving. What I mean to say is that I don't believe God sits on His heavenly throne doling out trials as a punishment or reward. I've heard some Christians speak as if they believe that if we're good, nothing bad will happen to us. I'm not sure if they really believe that, but it's not true. It's certainly not biblical. In Psalm 126, the Israelites were celebrating - maybe about their return from captivity, remembering how wonderful God had been to them. But then in verse 4, the Psalmist asks for God to "do it again. Bring rains to our drought-stricken lives." Not asking for forgiveness; just asking for relief, for joy again. Christians are supposed to expect tears. Ezekiel 11:36 - "I will remove from them their heart of stone and I will give them a new heart of flesh." I am more vulnerable, more feeling, more apt to share grief and hurts with others. So when the tearful trials come, I need to take them to my Father.

In addition to this, I have discovered a new-found hope and reassurance in prayer. I can tell you what I've been taught about prayer and what the Bible says about prayer. But if I can't tell you about my personal experience with prayer, I might as well not talk about it. In his last post, Kevin talked about brutal honesty, "100% Stinky Lessons." So to be honest, lately I've had some "why pray? moments." I've struggled with the, "If God is omnipotent (all-powerful-and I believe He is), if He is omniscient (all-knowing-and I believe He is) and if He is omnipresent (ever, always present - and I believe He is), then what does it matter if I pray? What does it matter since others are praying for me? If God intends for Kevin or for me to be healed, won't He heal us anyway? What if He doesn't?" No, I'm not proud of these "temper-tantrum" moments. I'm just being honest. So after talking to God about my prayer-doubts (yes, you can do that - He knows about them anyway), here are some things He has shown me.

• Prayer is about maintaining a personal relationship with a personal Savior. Kevin and I were talking about this very topic. I think he summed it up best by saying, "How do we maintain our relationships with our own kids? If we never communicate with them, we begin not to know them anymore." God will always know ME, but I can reach a point where I don't know HIM anymore - where I'm not as familiar with His desire for me or His guidance in life - a point where I just don't feel love from my heavenly Father. That's a lonely place.

• Prayer is my opportunity for honesty before the One who knows me best and loves me most. I admit my fears, confess my failures, request (sometimes plead) what I want and need (and for the wisdom to know the difference). 

• Prayer helps me grow. I was made to praise God and enjoy relationships. Without these, my life would be void. Tim Keller put it best when he said we must develop the disciplines of thinking, thanking and loving. "Whatever is true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious - the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly, things to praise, not things to curse." Phil 4:8 (MSG) Think on these things, and I believe, pray/meditate on these things. "Don't be anxious, but pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank Him for all He has done," Phil 4:6 (NLT). God works all of it out for good for His children who are called for His purposes - Romans 8:28. It's like God looks down on me saying, "My child, I love you. So when you make a request, I will give you what you would have asked for if you would have known everything I know." I thank Him because, in spite of my limited understanding, He allows for me what is best. And lastly, love. Even if I could do all things greatly, have all the talents and skills possible, and "if I don't have love, I am nothing," I Cor 13:2. I need prayer to learn to love God, myself and others well. Prayers helps me see situations and others through the eyes of my Father.

• Prayer isn't about changing my circumstances. It's about changing how I handle my circumstances. I realize that in this moment, I'm seeing "through a glass darkly," I Cor. 13:9. One day all of God's reasons will be clear to me. Until then, I pray.

So this was my answer to my prayer about prayer. My cousin, who is enduring trials of her own right now, sent this link as encouragement. No doubt God brought me to her mind so I could be encouraged as part of His teaching me that prayer does matter. This is a post from John Piper - http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/you-can-never-ask-too-much I pray God speaks to you through it.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

     I'm really not a fan of David Bowie, but you've got to admit, it's a catchy title. My past year, however, was full of them. Changes, that is. First a quick medical update - a couple of weeks ago my oncologist announced that I had clear scans - no other signs of cancer lurking in the shadows. Yea! Incredible news! After a brief celebration, we discussed all of the medications I have been prescribed and how I am "dealing with the side effects."
      To begin, my mind isn't as sharp as it once was. I walk into rooms not remembering why I'm there. I think one word but say another. And I'm having many "double conversations" with people. It's usually not until I've completed my tale that I realize I've caused someone to endure another "rerun." Just not as quick thinking as I was BC (before cancer). Much of my nights and days have been taken captive by medically induced anxiety and hourly sweats. My doctor remains wonderfully empathetic, tirelessly trying to find the right meds that will simultaneously agree with my body and fight my particular breast cancer. I still have hope that we will discover the right drug. Still, at times, side effects overwhelm, nights are endless, sleep escapes. The more I experience side effects of treatment, the more I realize how impatient I have been, maybe not always outwardly, but in my thoughts and attitude. My life has changed.
     Play word association with me for a moment. What words come to your mind when YOU hear the word change? You might say "difference," "status quo," or "growth." Change is scary, sometimes crippling. But there's one thing about change that will never, well, change. It's that change is inevitable. I asserted that my life has changed and alluded to my struggles. But despite the daily battles, change is the biggest agent that has brought a new perspective from my Father.
     In the book of Job (and I would NEVER compare my plight to his), God brings him to the realization that he will never comprehend what God is doing through the changes He allowed in Job's life. Job finally relinquishes all his hurt and his questions to God's sovereignty. Job answers God: "I'm convinced - You can do anything and everything. Nothing and no one can upset Your plans. You asked, 'Who is this muddying the water, ignorantly confusing the issue, second-guessing My purposes?' I admit it. I was the one. I babbled on about things far beyond me, made small talk about wonders way over my head. You told me, 'Listen, and let Me do the talking. Let Me ask the questions. You give the answers.' I admit I once lived by rumors of You; now I have it all firsthand - from my own eyes and ears! I'm sorry-forgive me. I'll never do that again; I promise I'll never again live on crusts of hearsay, crumbs of rumor." (Job 42:1-6 MSG)
     Here are some of the lessons I've learned about the change God allows:

• My thoughts are not His thoughts (Isaiah 55:8) What He has planned is by far greater that what I could ever plan for my life alone.
• His ways are higher than my ways - God's methods of teaching me, showing His goodness, are not what I would pick for myself. Who wants pain? Who asks for suffering? But those can be the change agents to produce character and endurance. (Romans 5:3-4)
• The last point (and I'm still working on this one) is that I should embrace change because it produces growth. If I'm growing, I'm alive. I think this lesson will take my lifetime to learn.

So weirdly, I'm learning to thank God for the side effects. I'm asking Him to keep my heart open to life lessons He wants me to learn and it's a daily thing. My closest friends know how many times I fail. These shortcomings serve to remind me of why I need a Savior.